#she rants for the whole season about how selfish christmas is

[hiding-in-my-blanket-fort]

.

[morgansdeb]

☕️ alex leaving jo for izzie

*sighs* Okay, so I have several thoughts about this, but I don’t know if I’m going to do a good job at articulating them properly. This is going to be long.

So, this is probably my most unpopular opinion of all time... I don’t like Alex Karev. I never have. I think he’s annoying, a bully, and quite frankly, he did a lot of terrible things that the fandom doesn’t really address. I mean, when I finished Grey’s and I went online to see if others disliked Alex, I was disappointed that I found very few people that agreed with me. This fandom LOVES this guy, and I’m just here in my little corner like “nope, he sucks.”

I think the thing that bugs me the most is the hypocrisy in the fandom when it comes to Izzie vs Alex.

When Izzie left the show, because Katherine Heigl left the show, she became the evil bitch who abandoned Alex, that horrible ungrateful woman who didn’t stay by her husband’s side despite all he did for her. We know the reason Izzie’s exit from the show was so poorly handled was because of Shonda’s issue with Katherine not submitting herself for an Emmy for season 4 (which tbh, I can’t blame her? She was right when she said the material she received that season wasn’t Emmy-worthy, especially in comparison to Izzie’s storylines in the previous two seasons, which were actually heart-wrenching and better developed), so I genuinely don’t get where people’s beef with Izzie comes from. She was written that way because of issues behind the scenes.

And if I’m honest here... people forget that when Izzie left the first time, she was under a lot of emotional distress. She was BATTLING CANCER, JUST LOST HER FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, AND GOT FIRED FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!! Sorry for yelling, but this fandom doesn’t have any consideration for Izzie’s feelings. Webber fired her in a stone-cold way and heavily implied Alex helped him with that decision. So of course Izzie left. She was traumatized!! And then SHE CAME BACK. She came back and wanted to make things right with Alex, but he told her TO LEAVE. He was the one who did that. So what was Izzie supposed to do? Stay in a hospital where she has to work with a man who told her “I love you so much I almost hate you” (wtf was that line)? Yeah, I can’t blame her for leaving.

People always wanna talk about how Izzie is selfish when she donated 8 million dollars to open a free clinic, was the only resident who bothered to teach the interns (while Alex complained about working on the clinic and said the interns were stupid, lmao, what a guy), donated money to pay for a girl’s back surgery, decorated the house for Christmas and made socks for Meredith and George (and Doc!!), tried to be nice to the doctors from Mercy-West (and ended up getting called a bitch for it :///) and was overall a happy, sweet person who cared about her patients and her friends. Izzie was amazing, why are you all so mean to her?? Because she left Alex’s annoying ass?? If that man was my husband, I’d leave him too, lmao

ANYWAY... so yeah, Alex ain’t shit to me. The first thing he did when he met Izzie was tell her she wouldn’t last as a surgeon, then sexually harassed by hanging pictures of Izzie’s modeling days all over the locker room, cheated on her with Olivia, made fun of her relationship with Denny, called her a stupid bitch and stole one of her surgeries, made her cancer all about himself, didn’t comfort her after George died (seriously, this was so fucked up and nobody ever talks about it. Alex was so jealous of Izzie’s love for George and he showed it all the time)... that man was not “the perfect husband”. He’s lucky Izzie gave him the time of day after the stunt he pulled in the locker room. She was the only one of the interns who gave him a chance, when Meredith, Cristina, and George wanted nothing to do with him (and who could blame them).

He also bullied the hell out of George and April, especially April. People defend this by saying “oh, but everyone bullied April!!” (that isn’t a solid defense, btw), and while the other characters were annoying for that (I love Cristina, but her treatment of April was so awful, same with Meredith, Lexie, and even Jackson was a dick to her at times), Alex always took things to an extreme level. When they’re in the on-call room and are about to have sex, Alex starts yelling at her and saying all that gross stuff about not wanting to hold her virgin hand, and then we see April choking on her own tears at Cristina’s house and Alex never apologized to her for that, he just continued to bully her. He ALMOST KILLED Andrew, and I know that he beat him up because he thought he was assaulting Jo, but he didn’t even try to make things right with him?? He could have killed him or ruin his entire career, but the show had Alex be portrayed as the victim and the other characters didn’t seem to be bothered by what he did?? How did Bailey appoint him as temporary chief when he had a record??

Okay, so this turned into an anti-Alex rant more than anything else, but all this needed to be said. I know he became a better doctor and everything, but he never clicked as a character for me. His friendship with Meredith seemed forced (Cristina was gone, so Meredith needed to hold on to someone, right??), and it was very shitty how it took Meredith TWO YEARS to respect Jo as Alex’s girlfriend and Alex just let Meredith treat her like crap?? Never change, Karev. I don’t care about his friendship with Arizona, either.

So... this guy left Jo. He cheated on her, lied to her, and then left her in a letter. And the fandom is like “okay, but Alex didn’t do it!!! The writers ruined him!!!”, oh, wow, so when Izzie leaves Alex she’s a bitch, but when Alex leaves Jo, it was the writers??? Alex should be the most hated character on the show because what he did was horrible, but the fandom gives him a pass. Y’all hate Izzie, but this guy is okay in your eyes???

Another unpopular opinion, but I don’t like Jo either. She’s boring to me; I don’t care about her storylines (I find them quite repetitive), and I never cared about her relationship with Alex (they had zero chemistry to me). So no, I don’t care that they’re over. I do wish Alex had taken her with him, lmao.

I hate that they made Alex and Izzie end up together because now EVERYONE is blaming Izzie for Alex’s exit. “She hid the children from him!!!” Alex SIGNED his rights away and told Izzie she could do whatever she wanted with his sperm. It’s not Izzie’s fault Alex decided he now wanted to be a dad to those kids. Why does Izzie get all the blame for all of this? Alex is a grown man who made a choice. We also never saw them reunite on screen, so we have no idea what they spoke about. Maybe Alex didn’t even tell her he was married. I mean, he had no problem lying to his wife about where he was, so who’s to say he didn’t lie to Izzie, too?

I know, I KNOW that Alex leaving Jo like that is bad writing. But the only reason I care is because I hate that this storyline made my favorite character the target of fandom hypocrisy and hate. But to be honest, Alex got a better ending than most. George, Lexie, Mark, and Derek died horrible and painful deaths. Callie and April also had shitty exists. The ONLY one who had an exit worthy of her character was Cristina (not counting Addison because she went to have her own spin off).

I don’t know if I have anything else to add, tbh. If you hate Izzie but love Alex, you’re a hypocrite.

Oh, and George and Izzie forever <333

[justhereforseverus]

A Rose by any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet

Miserable_toad

Chapter 13: But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

Summary:

Hogwarts is busy and you don't see Severus as much as you want to. But one cold night an opportunity arises. In addition, Severus has found the perpetrator of the classroom-destruction and he's not happy about it. Remus and you are also looking forward to the Yule Ball.

Notes:

Ok, that took a while. Sorry for the delay! Originally, I wanted to include the Yule Ball scene in that chapter, too but decided against it in the end. I didn't want to rush writing that very important day in the lives of Severus and the reader ;D

I still feel very awkward writing kissing scenes and stuff. But I hope it's not too cringy.

Thank you so much for reading and your kudos! Comments always appreciated <3

The next weeks went away in a blur. There was so much work and it wasn’t exactly helping that Dumbledore had left for a business trip for three weeks. The consequence of that was that Severus and Minerva split the headmaster’s work among them. Thus, me and Severus only saw each other at the drama sessions and occasionally for lunch or dinner in our private quarters. I missed him dearly and hoped that we would see us more often again in the near future.

One day, the ghosts added additional drama into the mix. They’ve managed to break through a water line while having a secret party. We all awoke with half of our classrooms under water. Despite our magical abilities, it still took the whole day to clean up the mess and put everything in order. I returned to my quarters late, exhausted and with a nasty headache. However, insomnia decided to disrupt my need for rest and I just shuffled around uselessly on my bed. I put on my coat and went outside for a walk but it was cloudy and rather cold. Winter had made its arrival quickly and I dare say that autumn was way too short to be enjoyed. The weather only made me more depressed, so I returned inside. In that moment, I saw Severus coming out of the great hall and decided to say hello.

“Hey, Severus.” – I uttered still freezing. Maybe I can catch him for a bit longer than an hour or so this time. Severus looked elegant and handsome as always but his eyes looked tired. Despite his ever-going desire to always look cool and controlled it seemed like the last weeks of additional work had taken its toll on him, too.

His eyebrow rose when he saw me and he asked: “Still awake?”

I smiled, “Yes, but I could ask you the same question.”

“Well, Filch was bothering me with some rebelling students in the great hall.” He sighed, looked back and continued: “But it seems like our caretaker cannot tell the difference between a lost bird and human beings.” After he shifted his gaze back at me, his forehead furrowed: “You look like you’re freezing. Were you outside?”

“Yes. I couldn’t sleep but I guess the season of pleasant night-walks is over. Now, I need a fire to turn to.” – I told him, pulling my coat closer together.

Severus mouth curved into a cheeky smile when he offered me the following: “May I suggest the one in my quarters? It would be my pleasure.”

“Yes, absolutely!” – I beamed.

He looked around. We were alone and most of the students have either returned to their quarters or common rooms. He took my hand and led me to his quarters down in the Slytherin dungeons. Even though he was willing to show affections openly in London, we both somehow agreed, without talking about it, to keep it low at Hogwarts. I also didn’t feel brave enough to directly talk about it. I always dreaded being the one asking the ‘What are we?’ question. Many men have accused me of being clingy, holding naïve expectations and I hated the patronising tone in their voices. With Severus, I just followed with what worked now. I didn’t want to ruin anything. I was scared despite his assurances in the beginning that if he loved again it would only be in a serious relationship.

When we arrived at his quarters, he prepared tea and put the fire on in the fireplace with a quick spell.

“Waaaaarmm” I only uttered while taking a seat in front of the fire.

He scoffed with his signature sarcasm: “Excellent conclusion, Professor. Fire is indeed warm. Some might even argue it’s ‘hot’.” I laughed. But two can play that game, so I replied: “Wow, that’s outrageous! This is science going too far!”

He chuckled and sat next to me. I snuggled into his arm and he held me tight. This felt wonderful, just like coming home. I missed him so dearly during the last couple of weeks. By the looks of it, Severus seemed to feel the same. He was beaming, smiling and petting me softly on my shoulders and arms. It was so cosy and warm. After a while I told him: “I never thought I’d spend my evenings like this at Hogwarts. I could get used to it. Maybe I’ll even enjoy winter like that.”

“Not fan of snow and Christmas?” – he asked curiously.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong I LOVE Christmas but the cold and the dark and everything.. not so much. It’s depressing really. I like the spooky tones of autumn and Halloween but winter is.. heavy and frustrating somehow.” Thinking to myself, I often dreaded that seasonal depression also exists among wizards without a cure. In the end, I rather enjoyed a good and fine summer day than a day of heavy winter numbness. But to each his own.

He nodded. “I see your point. For me, it’s not much of a difference really. At least in winter, many students stay indoors and refrain from walking illegally on the grounds after dark. Either way…I agree, I certainly could enjoy winter.. like this.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head on mine. He seemed relaxed and happy and that meant everything to me. We talked a bit about the last weeks and how he wished Dumbledore would return soon. Apparently, Minerva is rather annoyed with the whole affair as she didn’t think his trip was necessary. After we had done enough ranting about our day, I was longing to ask something different.

“Severus?”

“Yes?”

“A while ago, you mentioned you had one or two ‘unpleasant experiences’. Would you… like to talk to me about it? I just.. I want to get to know you better and it seemed like it was important to you.”

He was quiet at first and looked up in deep thought. Then he said: “It’s difficult… for me to talk about these events. You might have noticed I’m what people call a ‘buttoned-up’ person. But don’t think I don’t want to share these memories with you. I do. Maybe I just need more time. I’m sorry.”

I took his hand and said: “It’s fine! Really. I respect and understand that. Do you want me to tell you anything we haven’t talked about before?”

He said in a cautious tone: “You mentioned your last relationship..”

“Yes right…” I pondered about how to tell the boring story. “It’s not much to say, really. He always had to have the upper hand. He looked down on me and my passions, my interests, my concerns. In the end, he showed a complete disinterest in my life. I should’ve taken this as a sign to leave but I stayed because.. well we’ve been together for so long. It can’t end that way, can it? He made me feel like I was annoying, clingy, selfish and I believed him. I thought, something must have been wrong with me. I needed to improve. But even my improvement was not enough, which basically was me trying to become his ‘perfect girl’; always doing what he wants, listening to all his problems while staying quite on mine, being attentive and subservient. Yet, after he yelled at me in public calling me an ‘ungrateful bitch’ …I left. I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I was dumb to let all of that happen but…. I’m a very loyal person, forgiving and forgetting and all that. I’ve learned my lesson but I still have his voice in my head. The one telling me everything I do is wrong. I know it’s stupid but..I don’t know..”

Severus had listened attentively and with concern. He turned towards me and put his hand on my cheek: “It’s not. Stop putting yourself down. When you live with this for years it’s ingrained in you. He abused you emotionally and this leaves scares which take years to heal. The first step is certainly not putting yourself even lower than he did. You didn’t do this to yourself it was him.” I was close to tears after hearing this. I moved closer to Severus and kissed him. I didn’t know what to say nor how to say it but I knew I wanted to feel him. To thank him with my affections for understanding and not judging. He put his arms around me and held me close. Neither of us committed to let go of the other.

Our bliss was broken by a loud bang of the clock that signified it was indeed very late now. Slowly, the exhaustion of earlier crept back into my bones. But I didn’t want to leave, yet. I asked: “Severus, I know it’s late but somehow I don’t want to go. Can I… stay with you, here? Not for like.. necessarily having sex.. now. I’m really tired but I want to just stay with you.”

He studied my face for a while with a rather puzzling expression but then said: “I don’t want you to go either.” I went to my quarters to get some pyjamas and brush my teeth and stuff. I changed in his bathroom because it still felt awkward to change in front of him (bit silly, I know) and then went to his bedroom, which had its door wide open now. His bedroom consisted of a big double-bed with velvet green beddings, some dark-wood bookshelves and a huge dark closet. On a bedside table laid some books in a pile and a big Slytherin tapestry had been put on the wall. Severus was sitting unexpectedly shy on the bed in black long cotton pyjamas. He had tied his long hair into a ponytail. I sat next to him and gave him a tight hug. He then put his hand on my waist and after a while we started kissing again. When I lied down on my back, he leaned over me and put his elbows on each side of my torso. We kissed for a while further and I could feel the heat running up between my legs. Yet, I didn’t want to sleep with him for now and I felt like neither did he. I just enjoyed feeling him so closely, so intimately in his most private room. I ran my hands up his chest and put it underneath his shirt to feel his skin. I could feel his muscles and chest hair underneath. He was warm and his skin so soft. I felt his chest rising more rapidly and him breathing faster. He moved away from my face and started kissing my neck. When he was touching a rather sensitive spot there, I couldn’t help but moan. Getting the drift, he continued kissing me there until I laughed heartily. He leaned back and looked at me happily. We just smiled at each other for a while then he rolled to the side and held me close; then said “I highly enjoy this but we probably should catch some sleep.”

“I agree… to both. Though I don’t know if I can sleep with the amount of adrenaline you give to me.”

He chuckled before kissing me again. I turned to the right and he spooned me, kissing my back and wishing me a good night. But one last question came to my mind: “Sev, would you like to go with me to the Yule Ball? You know.. as a date together?” As I couldn’t really see him, I was quite nervous to hear no reply for some seconds. Finally, he said: “I’ve never had a date for that event. I’d be delighted to.” I beamed “Thank you, good Night, Sev” I uttered before we both feel into a peaceful sleep.

I had to schedule some more rehearsal dates this week as usual as we got closer and closer to the holidays and our final performance. We’ve been through the entire play and the students have become so much better. However, some things still needed additionally instructions and we needed more time. Sadly, that also meant that Severus couldn’t attend some of the additional rehearsals because Dumbledore was expected to come back next week the earliest. I missed his presence behind me and his occasional commenting on how to improve certain scenes.

At the moment, our leading role, played by a young Hufflepuff boy, struggled with Hamlet’s angry solitude after he promised his uncle and his mother to stay in Denmark. He didn’t understand why Hamlet wasn’t more open in direct confrontation with his uncle instead of holding his tongue. Despite him being deep in mourning, he let the king scold him about his unmanly grief. I hope I could make him understand what the reasons were and that it’s always difficult to criticise people with immense power.

On Friday evening, I received a letter from Severus telling me to come to his classroom as soon as I could. I was worried and rushed there immediately. When I entered the classroom, Severus stood leaning onto his desk looking quite troubled. He just said: “I know who it was.”

It took some time for me to get what he meant. He meant the person who destroyed my classroom. It didn’t seem like good news though…

“Who?”

“Draco Malfoy. And you can conclude yourself whose boy that is.”

“fuck…”

“Yes, indeed. I had my suspicions but no proof. However, during my potions class today, he bragged to his classmates that he’d plan another attack. Or maybe he wanted me to know and looked for my approval. I’ve talked to him and made the opposite clear. I don’t think he will go through with that particularly pathetic plan but.. there’s not much I can do.” He sighed heavily.. “I’ve talked to Lucius just now but I can’t go as harsh as I want to. I gave him detention that he likely won’t attend because Lucius will find some excuse or other to slither his way out as before. I’ve taken house points but that isn’t important to him. Lucius power as school benefactor is too big. And Albus is as uncooperative as always. He thinks it’s not worth the trouble if he hasn’t killed anyone. His absence right now doesn’t make it any better.”

I shook my head and was shocked. I didn’t think our headmaster would push that aside so easily nor protect certain students in that way. I told Severus that Dumbledore had always supported me but I reckoned even Hogwarts needed money from those kind of benefactors.

Severus retorted harshly: “It’s not even that. It’s also the connections. Lucius is a master in manipulating everyone to his favour. The minister thinks highly of him. He respects me to a certain degree but because I’ve changed over the years and he stayed very much the same his goodwill towards me has decreased. He also finally catches the drift that he can’t manipulate me. I’ve seen through his tricks. Lucius is terribly predictably even when he thinks he is so clever. But..” and here he clenched his hands digging his nails into the desk “We can’t shut him down. We can’t throw him out of the parent’s counsel. We can’t punish his son too harshly because he’ll twist it into a conspiracy and damage our reputation with the state. Albus knows this, everyone knows this and thus we must comply. It’s the same old story and I’m so.. sick.. of.. IT.” He looked away from me and I could feel his frustration and anger despite his utmost control. I stepped closer to him but was taken back by a stern “Don’t.”

What to do now? I sincerely just wanted to hug him and somehow comfort him and said: “Severus, I can see you’re angry and frustrated. So am I. But we will just go on. We’ll prove them wrong. And now that we know who it was we can both outsmart this boy and his following. It’ll be ok. You’re everything but powerless.”

He scoffed without looking up: “That’s what you seem to believe despite it all?”

“Yes, and it’s true.”

“I can’t get him off the school. I can’t get anyone off here. No bully and swine that roams these halls will be punished. I can give detention or take house points but what does it really change for those who have power? Nothing! I’m older. I’m the teacher and yet I can’t change a goddamn thing and so many people are just looking away and.. I..” And here something made him stop his tracks and he uttered: “Please. Leave me alone for a while.”

“No.” I thought to myself that I couldn't leave him like this.

He looked surprised at my refusal and chuckled in a sad way: “I’m not asking.”

“And I’m not your student nor your slave, Severus. You are angry, rightfully so and it’s ok to show this. I want to get to know you more and I want to share the feelings you feel. It’s fine with me. You don’t have to pretend. You’re not weak in showing emotions and expressing them. You don’t need to be in control all the time. Just let me get close to you. Let’s scream and shout and be angry together and then we’ll find a solution. You are not alone anymore. I won’t look away. I’m here, please!” – and I started sobbing because I didn’t want him to feel like he can’t do these things. I didn’t want him to feel powerless or alone or useless. He is the most wonderful person and I wanted to give him and myself hope.

Severus still didn’t look at me, his long hair hid his face. I stepped towards him and hugged him tight, kissed him softly on his cheeks. I was ready to be pushed away but that didn’t happen. I felt him shaking. After a while, he put his arms around me, regaining his composure a bit, hugging me tightly. He continued to hide his face by hugging me and that was ok. I’ve never seen him that vulnerable before. He always seemed to know better, to be prepared. But here he let himself be unreasonable. And that meant the world to me.

After a while, he let go of the hug and faced me again after adjusting his hair. He looked tired, his face was wet so he might have been crying just like me. But there was a kind and loving smile on his face. He kissed me lovingly and then just whispered:“Thank you.”

We talked after this and agreed we’d continued rehearsing and preparing the play. In addition to our current security plans, we might hire some of the prefects of other houses to stand guard as they were more keen on standing up to Slytherin. Also, we talked about how we could punish Malfoy’s boy without drawing attention to us. Nothing too harsh of course. Yet, we both can definitely outsmart him. Severus seemed to have regained his usual composure, his snarkiness and sarcasm. I think all this brought us closer together and I felt like he trusted me more.

Finally, Dumbledore returned and Severus was discharged of his additional administrational tasks. It was also the week of the Yule Ball and everyone was busy thinking about dresses and dates. It’s a weird that the ball is named after Yule but takes place much earlier than the actual Yule time. No one knew why it simply wasn’t renamed. Traditions be like that.

The evening before the ball, Remus and I met up to show off our outfits and catch up on the latest gossip. He stood in front of me with a very fine and elegant brown Victorian suit, which he wore with a silk dark yellow cravat. The colour combination worked well on him though I personally wouldn’t have chosen something like that for myself. I nodded in approval and told him: “What a fine gentleman we have here! You look exquisitely handsome. Sirius will be pleased to have you as a dance partner.” Remus bowed jokingly and replied: “Thank you, thank you! Yes, he’s one lucky guy indeed. But come one, now it’s your turn!” I went into the bathroom to change into my chosen dress. It was a long, slim dress made of dark-blue silk with star constellations stitched upon it. I had a fitting blue jacket in case it gets too cold. I also wore a golden necklace with a (fake) diamond star pendant and a simple golden bracelet. What can I say? I just like stars and it’s quite fitting with the Ravenclaw theme, too. I put my hair into a chignon and put my pearl (once again fake, I’m poor) earrings in. When I came out to model for Remus he just gasped and exclaimed: “OMG our little Ravenclaw star! You look very beautiful! Severus is a lucky man.”

I turned around playfully a couple of times more and then said: “I sure hope so…. Maybe he’ll gets discouraged though when I mess up the first dance with him..”

Remus jokingly threw a lose grape in my direction: “Oh shut it! We’ve practiced so much this week. You’ll be fine! Believe me! Just look him lovingly in the eyes and he’ll forget about everything anyway.” He winked and refilled my glass of champagne. We talked for some hours more, guessing everyone’s date and exchanging stories about our classes being obsessed of finding the right partner. Remus was glad Minerva decided to give all houses dancing lessons as Severus and Flitwick continued to ignore the pleas of their students to teach them more about it. I had to admit, I was very nervous and excited for the next day..

[sordidbask]

LIFE IS STRANGE COMIC RANT

So... I have officially finished reading the Life is Strange comics up to Issue #12 and I have some things to say.

SPOILERS i guess...

For starters, I have to wonder... what did the writers even hope to accomplish by making these? Did they want to show a continuation of the bae over bay ending featuring Max and Chloe dealing with the aftermath of that fateful week? Did they want to provide some form of closure for Pricefield supporters who were left wanting after an open-ended finale? It sure seemed that way from how the comics were marketed. And yet, I'm sitting here writing this feeling outraged at how this story, even if non-canon, was handled. I feel disgusted by how they handled Max's personality and motivations, how pathetic she feels and how downright painful it is to read some of her thoughts. Every issue I found myself frowning and repeating in my mind that "Max would never do that", "There's no way Max would say that", "Chloe would never be ok with that". Are we supposed to accept that Max would just abandon Chloe because reality is messing up for some reason and suddenly we learn that the Max from the comics is not the actual Max we played as in the game but rather a Max that doesn't belong in that reality and has to go to a timeline in which she is the third wheel to a love triangle between Chloe and Rachel so that the Chloe from the destroyed bay timeline can stay behind and look for her own Max or the Max that actually belongs in that timeline? Are there two Maxes in the same universe at the same time and Chloe has to look for her on her own for years and this other Max just kisses her goodbye forever? Max, who did everything she did during that week for Chloe, who went through hell and back to keep Chloe at her side, who sacrificed and entire town and let her friends die all for her love of Chloe would just leave her behind, teleport to a new universe and accept that Chloe is already taken in this new reality and would stop loving her romantically? If you love me let me go bullshit? Really? We played as Max, we rooted for her and we wanted her and Chloe to be together but to see her submissively accepting a reality in which she is friendzoned by Chloe because Chloe is happy there and she can't go back because the plot doesn't let her or she doesn't want to because apparently she is perfectly fine with being friendzoned for years by the woman she loves all in the name of "... but she is happy"????? When Max dreams of "her Chloe" telling her that she shouldn't forget her guilt for what happened in Arcadia Bay and should always remember it because it somehow makes her a good person, are we supposed to accept that too? Is that the message? She isn't allowed to let go? She isn't allowed to move on? Her being in this reality is some kind on punishment by the universe that she must endure? Max even convinces herself that it's bad and selfish that she wants to go back to the only reality she has ever known because... the universe doesn't want her to and will keep sending her into these flickers? Issue #12 is all about bulding up the tension towards this great climax where Max will access the Transect or whatthefuckever and be reunited with "her" Chloe, the Chloe we know, after two years of fucking around and when she finally finds her timeline... nope, anti-climax, she can't access it, she can't go back to her, she is stuck here so might as well go on a road trip and watch how happy the person she loves is with some other chick who she has to accept as her BFF. It's all so insulting and stupid.

I'm not really sure why I'm ranting about this since it feels like a lot like needlessly and senselessly ripping into somebody else's AU fic which might be their own interpretation of things and that's perfectly fine, but the thing is this is an officially licensed product sold for money and marketed primarily at people who chose the bae over bay ending and I went into the comics thinking that. I read somewhere that the story was meant to be wrapped up in Issue #4 but because of the overwhelming success and some outside intervention, they decided to prolong the story. And now we have Amberpricefield for everyone and zero closure and love for Pricefield supporters. Yay.

This is strictly personal but I hate Amberprice to no end. I believe Rachel is a well-crafted character and I respect her as such, I just hate who she is, her personality, her behaviour, her manipulation of everyone around her. And with this in mind, seeing Amberprice so vividly when I myself am a die-hard Pricefielder was more than a little jarring. I get that this is a new reality where everyone is happy and Rachel never cheated on Chloe and genuinely reciprocates her feelings. Thing is, we were never exposed to that, we were never shown how such a perfect relationship could be built between these characters and as such I can't see a reason to root for it. What little Amberprice we got was in the form of a semi-canon prequel game and even there it was left ambiguous as to whether Rachel returned Chloe's feelings or not. What we do know for certain is that Rachel manipulated Chloe to get out of Arcadia Bay, encouraged the more self-destructive aspects of her personality and, if you want to go the romance route, she canonically cheated on her twice. That's why I had trouble seeing so much Amberprice and Max not only being a witness to the whole thing but accepting it with her head down.

I hate shitting on people's work but ultimately I feel insulted by how the writers handled the story and these characters that are so dear to my heart. I don't mind Amberprice or Amberpricefield stories on AO3 or fanfiction.net which rewrite the character of Rachel to make her less of an asshole because I ignore them and, in the end, people can write about whateverthefuck they want. But the fact that they baited us and promised us a Pricefield story and what we got instead was an idyllic Amberprice with a friendzoned Max... I cannot see it as anything other than an insult.

And the last straw came in the form of that unspeakable road trip idea and the caption "Partners in time" used for Max, Chloe and the other one. I used to think that Amberprice was insulting but now I realize that Amberpricefield is even more insulting. Why the hell did we play 10 hours of a game which, at its core, was essentially about the relationship between these two characters called MAX AND CHLOE? Why the need to shove Rachel Amber wherever possible and, to add insult to injury, take a phrase so iconic, so powerful and so personal which belongs only to Max and Chloe such as "Partners in Time" and use it to refer to the three of them? Are we supposed to be OK with that? We fell in love with how much these two characters loved each other and to add a third participant feels incredibly out of place. Feels like the writers of the comic actively hate Max and Pricefielders who chose the bae over bay ending and think that what the fandom needs is to have the trio of the most important characters in Season 1 as BFF's as if we're still waiting for the release of Chaos Theory. Are these the new powerpuff girls, Titan Comics? Give me a break.

I'm going to keep reading, not buying, the comics just to see what else they can do with this clusterfuck of a story and how much more they can shit on Max, Chloe and Pricefield supporters. Honestly, I hope we see more love for Pricefield in future issues (judging from her Christmas sketch, at least the illustrator is slightly more Pricefield than the writer) but all seems to indicate that it's only going to go downhill from here.

Just needed to get this off my chest.

[miraculousladyb]

Thoughts on ‘The Collector’

In which our babies return and we are hella excited! Spoilers under the cut!

Firstly, oh my god it feels so good to hear that theme again, I’m also loving the new sequence! Just a couple of cute changes but I love it. 

But onto the main event. I had high hopes for this episode and holy hell it did not disappoint. I’m actually gonna focus on one thing here, THE thing. The ‘reveal.’ A lot of people, including me, thought Gabriel was Hawkmoth. It’s weird, because I have never had any doubt about it, even when the spoilers about Gabe being akumatised came out, and yet when it was properly revealed in the show I felt kind of shook. I think it’s because prior to the reveal, there’s a scene where Gabriel stares at a picture that Adrien drew when he was a child, and after a few moments of contemplative staring, Gabriel throws it aside like a piece of trash. That scene in particular, but the whole episode, made me realise how dark the situation is; I always assumed Gabriel was Hawkmoth with his intentions somehow relating to Adrien, but this episode made me change my mind; Gabriel is a terrible dad. All his son wants is some affection and he continues to disregard him and treat him like dirt. Adrien does nothing but try and make his dad happy, barely having any selfish intentions, and Gabriel gives him very little in return. He actually sent shivers down my spine this episode; he’s manipulative and borderline psychotic. It seems Nathalie knows his secret also, which just makes the situation worse. After the Christmas episode I kind of wished she’d be a supportive figure for Adrien, but now I’m basically convinced she’s going to be the peacock. Honestly after this episode I’m quite scared for Adrien. When Ladybug suggests his father might be Hawkmoth he’s devastated, naturally, and is then is so concerned when his father is akumatised. Adrien genuinely cares about his father and his father is an actual waste of space. I had faith in Gabe’s redemption before this episode, now I’m not so sure.

Wow, rant over. Moving swiftly on, I loved seeing all our baes again. The episode was mostly focused on Marinette and Adrien, which is understandable. I loved how brave Marinette was going to face Gabriel at the mansion; even though it was technically her fault Adrien got kicked out of school, she was only doing what she thought was right (taking a spell book from a super villain seems like a good shout, even if you don’t know they’re the super villain yet). She made a fool of herself in front of her idol for him, showing once again how selfless she is. Especially as when everyone crowded him at school, she stood back, just happy he was happy. Absolutely precious.

Anyway, I’m really enjoyed the animation and choreography this episode and I feel like it’s definitely stepped up a lot since season one. The writing feels better as well, the pacing and the overall plot definitely have picked up a ton. Overall, feeling great about the new season!

[ryan9098]

A shipping rant!

I can’t wait until Kensi returns to the field & DENSI gets back on track. Because I’m sick of hearing about how she’s not really depressed but just being selfish from what IMO are ignorant haters. Here are my points.

• If she is depressed then why doesn’t she have a problem with having fun with Sullivan, Nell, or Eric? First off Sullivan is her rehab buddy. He understands Kensi in ways that Deeks(at no fault of his own) never will, no matter how much he trys. One of Kensi’s biggest worries is that what if she can never be an active agent again due to her spinal injury just like Sullivan likely worried that he could never return to active duty due to loosing his leg. *note that we didn’t know he’s CIA at the time* Yes Deeks was tortured but the physical damage he received to his teeth was no where near as severe as suffering spinal/nerve damage or a limb amputation. Secondly since Sullivan went through some of the same challenges as she did, if she messes up in front of him its no big deal. Also Sullivan doesn’t depend on her like Deeks does in the field, so Sullivan’s opinion doesn’t matter where Deeks’ does. If Kensi were to let Deeks see her struggle with training, I imagine she would feel humiliation and a sense that she disappointed him & let him down. (this is irrational thinking but ppl with depression aren’t always thinking rationally.) Also like Sullivan the opinions of Nell & Eric don’t have the same weight as Deeks’ opinions of her. Third, when Sullivan came over with the beers that was before Hetty told her she wasn’t ready to come back. That is when I feel she started falling back into depression, then when she saw Anna at the Christmas party it made it worse and she felt like she was being replaced.

• She can’t be depressed since she isn’t struggling to get out of bed or isn’t lacking motivation. EXCUSE ME! But if that were true, then can some explain to me why Robin Williams (may he RIP) committed suicide? No one saw that coming and he made people laugh & smile his whole career. People with depression and/or PTSD don’t always show obvious signs of their illness.

• She loves her job more than Deeks because she hasn’t worn her ring yet and told Nate that her prime goal is to return to work. I’m sorry just because she is a career oriented person, doesn’t mean she loves Deeks less. Being back to work means she is back to being his partner in all facets of their lives, back to keeping him safe, back to their “normal”. Oh and has anyone else thought, as silly as it sounds, that Kensi might fear that if she can’t recover 100% and return to full active agent status & be Deeks’ partner that one day he might wake up and think she isn’t the same woman he fell in love with and then leave? Fear of being abandoned is always going to be in the back of her mind. Remember that she blamed herself for her dad’s & Dom’s deaths and Jack leaving so now that she’s ‘broken’ (in her eyes) why wouldn’t he leave her too? I think, just in case she can’t ever come back, she is pushing him away thinking that if he does leave (we all know that he never will) it won’t hurt as much because he’d be leaving by her choice & not his.

• She can’t be depressed because she has had happy & positive moments (beers w/Sullivan in “Sirens” or baking cookies in “Tidings We Bring”) this season. Well look at like this, In “Home is Where the Heart is” she is alittle homesick yet happy untill she finds out she may never walk again. That is when she starts pushing Deeks away and falls into depression. Then when she meets and sees that Sullivan, a person facing similar challenges, is doing good in his rehab she gets the competitive fire & confidence that maybe she really can recover. Then at the end of “Sirens” she thinks that since her rehab buddy was able to go back to his unit, then she thinks she can to and goes to the range & everything goes well untill Hetty makes her shoot left handed. It turns out she can’t because it still shakes, so Hetty tells her she isn’t ready. So her confidence starts slipping again then with seeing Anna and having the dream fight it drives home the feeling that she is expendable and replaceable thus sinking her deeper in to despair. As for her hugs with Eric, IMO she is putting on a brave face for his benefit. Compared to the others Eric still has the luxury of being somewhat innocent and naive (though he has had learning moments this season, such as him killing the terrorists in Syria with the drone). FYI, I AM NOT hating on Eric!

Bottom line is that I wish people would stop taking the trauma she went through and the physical/psychological/emotional consequences so lightly. Her thoughts & emotions are very real and they are valid. No one and I mean NO ONE has the right to dictate how someone thinks & feels about experiencing a traumatic event/illness/injury!!!!! I remember the biggest complaint of S5 being their failure in portraying Deeks’ PTSD arc in a fair & realistic manner and Now that they are actually handling a trauma arc the right way with Kensi, people still complain and are cruel & hateful toward her.

Kensi loves Deeks and Deeks loves Kensi! This ship may bend but it will not break! I have complete faith that they will be happy again this season.

[jeff3]

Haiku Birthday

J.D. Hayes-Canell

The girl with eyes akimbo

keeps her face aimed at the floor

Pigeon toed on knocking knees

she crab walks towards the door

2/19/95

The Party’s Over

Pumpkins smashed upside down in a ditch

X-mas trees brown at the end of driveways

Dried turkey skeletons for everyone.

Eggshells dyed in the trash

Crumpled valentines skitter in the wet wind

Past the charred firecracker corpses and sparklers black and barren.

Everyone has gone home

there’s the trash to take out.

3/8/95

Ethereal Espresso

I live vicariously as you, in sweat and heterosex.

Beat ghosts lie upon the pages snapping phantom fingers

chanting “Cool, cool”.

They sip ethereal espresso and groove jazz

while you and Kerouak trade lies in a duel

like sex.

12/23/94

Reptile Season

It’s the night, x-mas time.

The city sheds it drab grey skin 

and breaks out in livid spots.

12/25/94

Warm wind caressing

Brings the scent of coming rain

Robins herald Spring. 

201203.07

HAIKU BIRTHDAY

You wake, stretch and yawn

So today is your birthday

Different but the same. 

201203.07

I write without ink on no paper 

I read a book with no pages

I call on a phone with no dial, no buttons. 

What is reality?

3/20/12

Blossom scented breeze

New green of young grass growing

My backyard in Spring. 

4/18/12

Words. Nothing but words

Convey all meaning, mine, yours,

A haiku birthday. 

4/18/12

For Marie, Patricia, Seth and Marci

This spring has come with no green. 

It is barren dust and somber ash watered by a harsh bitter rain. 

Wilted blossoms and rank weeds greet my steps, crows utter curses rough and jagged to my ears. 

5/15/2012. 

Disney Life

I don't lead a Disney life

Filled with twittering birds

And animate inanimate objects. 

I don't have it like Peter Pan

Sitting out adulthood on a whim

Waiting for the tick-tock of adventure to start. 

But I've wished upon a star. 

1/11/13

What We Wanted For You

(For Ryan)

A time ago, when we were young 

We smiled and planned. 

We were going to feed you on laughter

We were going to pour you glasses of knowledge, all that we knew. 

We were children then, 

Knowing only what we knew of life, 

Wanting to give it all to you,

Wanting you to join in the fun that was our world. 

That is what we wanted for you, the madness & the love,

The mayhem & the laughs. 

Only you know if we succeeded. 

1/11/13

Table Exiting the Long Room

You called me one day 

To say you were dying. 

Don't cry, you said

I won't I said. 

I didn't. Not then, not yet. 

I wanted to, but I'm waiting. 

Ray scattered your ashes in

Rockwood. 

I know the place, it's where I plan to cry

It's where I will remember 

your laugh

Your love

Your heart

That crooked smile you had when you were up to something

The look on your face when you would knock on my door

Asking to stay because whatever

Woman you were with had kicked you out again. 

Wish you were still here

so I could say hi just one more time. 

201209.23

Day After

It's the day after Sandy 

New York is powerless

New Jersey is scandalous 

Upstate we're watching the winds feeling the rain 

but the lights are still on. 

Hawaiillusion

Snow piles behind the panes

Kept at bay by walls and propane. 

Rocking sleepy in my chair,

Cat lapped, cozy in my sweater. 

On tv scenes of beach sand 

awash in seawater & weeds

Beside me tropical plants doze in their pots. 

Aloha. 

201212.22

 There are moments in life when we are capable of anything...

The body at the bottom of the stairs. 

201112.22

Death Came Visiting in May. 

Saw some of my friends, 

called on some of my relatives. 

He turned no one down, 

snubbed neither the poor nor middle class,

Grinned as he passed us by to give my brother in law his last ride. 

I hope he goes elsewhere for his summer vacation.

201206.11

Music in my Clothes Seems like Saturday Night.  

I was so possible that I had to be built on incomprehensibility. 

I do not panic...I smile. 

201302.14

Butterfly Storms

My soul is taut, it needs to bend and flow, to expand and contract, to fly free and to rest gently. 

It yearns to skip lightly through the aether, gathering the whims and hopes, the ghosts of dreams unfulfilled 

billowing out, blessing all with peace and love. 

201310.09

Cat hair & Dust bunnies. 

Lying on the valley floor with wheeling stars above

Rain touching feather soft the grass

Tell him I asked, I asked you why

The only answer: the rain. 

201407.03

By The Light Of A Robot's Eyes

I hold a virtual image of you in my mind but it fades, pixel by pixel. my heart yearns to hang on yearns to hold on to wisps, to fog.   

In the silent dusk my mind slowly draws to a close.

201306.30

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

There are times you drive me virtually mad

With all the craziness you do. 

There are times you are so furious you lose control and rant from the insanity of my life. 

But when you're gone. 

When the dust settles. 

When the silence falls. 

And all I've ever wanted was for you to shut up for five minutes!

I miss you more than anyone,

more than anything

and though I know how to live alone

I can't bear it without you.

201311.29

Hotel Kitchen @ One am. 

Ralph Kramden Was a Bus Driver

Thusly we come to know

That some doors remain forever closed 

and we are held bound to our fate 

By chains we forged with pieces of our souls. 

201311.29

Flotsam

I'm just passing through

You're just passing through 

It's how we live

How we are

Passing through time, space the lives of those we meet

The things we think are real are transient 

The things we think are solid are dust.

Liquid flows

Time flows

And we are fascinated by the firelight shadows on the cavern's wall.   201404.13

MAYA

A clear voice that sprung from silence sorrow shame

A voice which gave hope love and peace to many

A voice which encouraged never scorned

A voice of freedom and compassion

A voice as clear as hope

A voice as strong as love

Has drifted softly into silence once more. 

201405.28

First Day

Summer wind paper napkin plastic bag dance swirling pirouettes about each other, about the sidewalk, about my feet. 

Walking down the hill I join the dance. 

201406.23

Dance of the Lightening Bugs

It's no secret

How the universe turns

It's no marvel to me why life must spin

and spin and spin

Rumpelstiltskin super novas blossom as they whirl and I, 

I long to cry. 

201407.03

Where Did The Words Go

Out of mouths through the ears and away

We wasted time wasted breath wasted life with words

Let them twist us turn us scorch us burn us

Let them touch us bathe us help us save us

Life and time molded distance carved caverns

Perhaps they fled there. 

201407.04

Staying Strangers

Alone together

How we travel through our lives cocooned in iPads iPods 

Idontwanttoknow, selfmusic 

selfmovies selfphones selfish 

Insulated from the now

From each other 

from life. 

Thrown together by happenstance 

By circumstance by chance

We retreat hibernate

Back away from all of us

And into ourselves. 

It will come to no good. 

201407.19

Watching Shakespeare on TV

The commons chatter aimlessly 

While culture and wisdom play before them content in its own self showing no ego in its teaching, ever teaching by its own example

And still the hairless monkeys jabber. 

201407.20 

Soft Dog

When I die 

all the things that I have gathered

Will be scattered to the winds

All the kisses I have known 

Will blow away Never to return

And all that I have said or done 

Shall pass into memories

Held in a drawer

Or a book. 

When you die

All the things that you have gathered 

Will scatter

And no one will ever know

How you felt today. 

201408.04

Tender is the time

  We spend just lying side by side

Nowhere to go, no place to be     

  But where we are. 

Softly our two hearts

  Beating in time to the song of our souls

Open to each other, and we smile

  Because we are one. 

Soon our time is spent

  We slip apart, away and back to normal

A small ache for the parting hour

And our tender times. 

201408.07

Summer thunder crashes taking the ears by storm hissing cats and dogs fall pouncing on the ground making puddles lightening squalls across the sky black cloudy growls slowly fade and soon the mice come out to play. 

201408.17

My new shoes feel good 

I like how they hold my feet.

A year from now they’ll be old shoes,

And I will have forgotten

How they felt

In the days of the old shoes

201403.16

Way back when I used to wake up early mornings 

When weekends were like Christmas and summer lasted forever

When we were good guys or bad guys and our heroes were on tv

When problems were small things that grown-ups could solve

And kisses made it all better.

When did those days slip into greater worries, into times of grey

With nothing clear or sure.

No going back, no returns, no panacea for the soul

Just a voice, a fading echo which claims “You’re it.”

201807.07

My soul longs for the peace of a monastery 

The whispers of the hermit’s cave.

It calls out in silent plea for solace from the din, parting from the throng.

But I don’t know where to turn, how to take that step

And I’m afraid to be alone.

201807.07

Things his mother made;

Christmas things made by a loving hand for her son.

She’s long since passed away but he held those memories close.

Now he is gone as well, unexpectedly pulled from my life and all I have are memories

And these things his mother made

3/11/2019

I’m tired of the sorrow and the sadness

The explosive burst of tears and the creeping clutch of emptiness.

I don’t know why you had to go,

I will never know

You were always full of love and I was not

I never stopped guarding my heart against this very thing

I never stopped building walls against this very day 

And when it happened

When the end for you came

The barriers melted, the walls crumbled 

and all they kept out was you

3/11/2019

I was looking at our garden today.

I know its winter and everything is brown.

But between the deer and the rabbits

They killed the growing dreams we had; the roses, the willow tree.

I laughed when you brought it home

“We live on a sand dune” I said, “A willow won’t grow here.”

But it did, for the whole of spring and summer it survived.

But not this winter, very little survived this winter.

3/11/2019